this blog is officially closed & will no longer be updated. however, if you wish, do click and follow this one;

http://bitt3rbitch.blogspot.com/

cheers.

awkward hey.

it's been ages since i last wrote here. quite frankly, i don't know why or how i ended up here. maybe it's the fact that i'm listening to some good songs and the weather is perfect, maybe i'm feeling a little self-loathing and lonely but today just seems like a good day to let out all my emotions. 

truth is, i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know whether i want to drown myself in my own tears, deafen my ears with the sound of my screams, or take the razor blade from the bottom drawer of my study table and watch as my own blood drips down the water drain. i don't fucking know what i want, but i know what i am, miserable. i woke up this morning, hoping for a productive day for once, only to be defeated by the monster inside of me. there i was, lying on my bed under a thick blanket, staring at the twinkling of my night lights with flashbacks of my past playing at the back of my head along with the never ending scenarios of 'if onlys' and 'what ifs'. an overwhelming grief knotting my stomach and pulling my heart. the kind of morning that makes you hate the world more than ever and doubt the very reason of your existence. there's so much a person can take and truthfully, i am exhausted. 

i dont know how other people does it, fall in love with the same person over and over again. how do i tell you i dont want this relationship anymore? i thought i did, but i dont. i thought i needed it but i dont. how can i break this down to you without hurting you? lately all we do is fight, pointless childish fight which i mostly initiate. the reason has always been the same, because im sick and tired of this, because my feeling for  you is slowly fading away i dont know if i should take a step back, march forward or stay still. i dont know what i want anymore. i made a promise to you, a promise which i cant easily break and what kills is the fact that i dont know if i still could live up to that promise any longer. im feeling empty and lost in this relationship. 

maybe it wasnt you that i fell in love with. it must have been the midnight conversations, rambling nonsenses, crazy adventures, holding hands during movies, cuddling under the blanket during cold weather, having someone to sing my favourite song with a guitar, maybe it was the idea of having a boyfriend that i fell in love with..not you. 

i've tried to bottle up my emotions as hard as i could but i must say, i'm pretty shitty at it huh? haha i never expected you to be the one who blows my cover up, believe me boy, it happens every single time. thank you for making sure i'm alright, for telling me that everything's going to be okay, for never giving up on me.

''you stay while you could've easily left and walked away, i don't know why or how you cope with a stubborn incompetent bitch like me. 'because that's what friends are for' don't pull that crap on me, don't tell me it didn't sting when i said we're only friends 'cause you and i know that friends don't go telling each other how much they miss each other everyday, they don't compliment each other or joke around the way we do, they don't talk every milliseconds twenty four seven. don't tell me it didn't hurt, 'cause if it hurt me it would've hurt you too....''

cheers to a whole new year, it's 2012 bitches. i (still) can't get over how quick time flies. it feels like yesterday when i stepped into my last class in high school and being called 'hantu' by kevin haha, good times.

a lot has happened since i stopped updating here. i am now officially a college student. tons of works to deal with, endless head banging and i can just sense that 2012 is going to be another year full of depression and frustrations. we're back to that now, aren't we stargirl? yes, indeed we are.